Here's a question for you. When your spouse starts crunching, what does it mean and what should you do?

Over the last few days, I've noticed definite crunching noises emanating from mrs bln. The sort of noises you'd make if you were eating really crunchy cookies. However in this case, there are no cookies (or any other foodstuffs as far as I can see)...

The first time I became aware of it, I looked over at her and it immediately stopped. When I turned away, it started up. I looked over again, and again, it suddenly stopped. Figuring it must be one of those mysterious things that women do that are best not to enquire further about, I let it go but later I thought deeply about all the women I've known in my life and I can report with confidence that not a single one of them ever crunched. Not in front of me, anyway.

Of course, mrs bln is a past master at mucking around with my mind. She usually only ever comes at me out of leftfield, so I thought to myself, 'ha! you're not going to get me on this one!' To give you an example, while out driving to the supermarket yesterday afternoon, she looked over at me, smiled and then whacked me hard on the back of my head. This was to show me that she was having a good time and feeling romantic and I only tell you this to illustrate my point...

Anyway, so as I say, mrs bln has been crunching a lot lately but I'm not going to ask about it. Oh no, not this nut. I know exactly where that'd get me...
If, however, you've done any crunching of your own or have met a cruncher yourself and know what it's all about, feel free to let me know...

You know of course that I live in Japan and anyone who's been reading this page for a while will know that I love my life here. Like any country, it has its good points and bad points but overall, living here has proved to be a wonderful experience. Almost without exception, the Japanese people I've known have been kind and generous to a fault and I love them dearly.

But (and isn't there always a but?) sometimes I find that cultural issues do arise and this is what I want to talk about today.

Specifically, I'd like to address a couple of rather silly notions that most Japanese seem to possess.

Limbering up to take the field as the first contender is the commonly held belief that breakfast in bed is not only strange but also suspiciously decadent. I have never, in ten years, met a Japanese who will admit to ever having enjoyed this most simple of pleasures. Mention of b in b will elicit confused consternation and invariably the comment "But...that's dirty! You'll get crumbs and things in your bed..."
Well, I'm here to riposte, to any Nihonjin reading (hi again, Mariko!), "...uh huh...and..?"
Breakfast in bed is (in my ever so 'umble opinion) one of life's greatest simple pleasures. Never to be taken any way other than lightly, it is a delicious frisson of laziness that we should all enjoy from time to time. I mean, come on, if you have no special plans for a Sunday morning (or afternoon for that matter), what better way to spend it than curled up in bed with some Sunday newspapers and a tray of tea, toast and good old fashioned marmalade? I can think of few things more divinely self indulgent and we could all do with a little self indulgence from time to time...

Needless to say, such pampering of one's inner lethargy is anathema to mrs bln and even the merest suggestion that I might be considering such a course of action will result in another of her patented 'Why on earth would you want to do that?' looks....

For years I've been covertly working to inspire my friends, students and acquaintances with a desire to try it but sadly, I fear, to no avail. Call me a subversive if you will, but I want to say loud and clear, right now and to anyone who'll listen, I proudly hold myself up as confirmed lollygagger and slugabed and I'll never give up the fight...

The other thing I want to mention and that gets Japanese sensibilities all aflutter is the concept of lunchtime drinking. Now, as any self respecting Englishman will tell you, what is lunchtime for if it isn't for drinking? I ask you? As the minute hand chunders its weary way around the clockface to meet its hourly brother at twelve, all across the length and breadth of Britain, workers in offices, factories and all those other places where workers are to be found are hauling on their jackets and heading to the pub for a spot of much needed refreshment. A working life has only so many pleasures to offer and it's made a whole lot tougher without the promise, nay, the privilege of a bit of lunchtime boozing...

Yes, I grant you, productivity may suffer the teensy weensiest of declines in the latter part of the day but surely, productivity's not the point is it? Or, put another way, that hour down the boozer of a lunchtime is an opportunity to lessen the disappointments of the morning (and we all know how invariably disappointing mornings can be...) as well as a chance to get slightly sozzled on company time! Traditions are there to be honoured, I say, and if everyone here chooses to turn up their noses at such a fine tradition as that, well...they just don't know what they're missing is all...

On the other hand, there are some rather good Japanese traditions to compensate for their disappointing inability to spend a few hours having breakfast in bed before popping into the pub for lunch on their way to work. One really great Japanese tradition is bureiko. What happens is this. The boss will suggest to his workers that they should all go for a drink after work (see, there's their mistake; they should be going for a drink during work...)...anyway, he makes the suggestion and all in favour duly decamp to the nearest hostelry for afterhours inebriation. At this point the boss will say, "OK everyone, tonight is bureiko! What this means is that his subordinates are allowed to say anything they like about him or the company and it's all 'off the record'! If someone wants to say that, in their opinion, the boss is a slimy piece of dog doo, there's absolutely nothing he can (in theory) do about it because, as we all know, tonight was bureiko! The idea, of course, is to encourage workers to come forth with ideas that they might normally be too shy to announce, but in the free for all, anything goes world of bureiko, they're actively encouraged to spout out without fear of later recrimination....
I know, it sounds almost too good to be true, but there we are.
As nothing more than a rather diffident observer, it's not really my place to suggest so, but what a jolly old world it would be if we got to have a bit of bureiko in the White House....

For most of my life, at least the three quarters of it before I came to Japan, I've lived with cats.

For the last ten years I've been petless and there have been many times when I've wished that wasn't so.

A few days ago, a stray cat appeared in our garden. It's more of a kitten really; about 6 months old, I'd say. It's not the cutest pussy in the world, I have to say, but what it lacks in beauty, it more than makes up for with affection. It just adores attention and purrs madly while rubbing its little nose over yours...

Of course, it was very hungry too when we first became aware of it from its pitiful mewling outside the window one morning. I took it out some milk, which was soon wolfed down, so I gave it a little bread soaked in milk. Hannah came out to see what was going on and immediately appointed herself i/c neko-chan...

Maya was a little nervous at first but soon got used to the little thing rubbing up against her legs and now screams with delight every time moggy comes near. She hasn't quite mastered the art of holding cats yet though, and I wince when I see her grabbing hold of any available bit of fur, but I'm sure she'll soon pick it up....

So, that means three of the four of us are smitten, leaving one steadfast objector. It seems that it's not so much that mrs bln isn't a cat lover, it's more that she doesn't give a toss about it and as usual sees only problems:

1) It's dirty
2) It's noisy
3) It'll get cat hairs all over the kids or, even worse, if it's allowed into the house, it'll make everything dirty and hairy.
4) The kids will get sick because of the cat hairs everywhere or, even worse, if the cat scratches them.
5) It'll cost a lot of money to look after
6) We'll never be able to go away because then there will be nobody to feed it.
7) If we feed it, then more stray cats will come round and the neighbours will complain.
8) It's not cute

I counter argued as follows:

1) If you'd been living outside your entire, short life, you'd hardly be a paragon of cleanliness either and besides, cats are by nature pretty fastidious in their ablutions and it's nothing that a bit of warm water and soap won't fix..
2) If you were freezing cold and starved of food and affection, you'd have plenty to say on the subject yourself...
3) Ever heard of a cat brush?
4) Why don't other kids with cats get sick all the time then?
5) Are you saying we can't afford a few bucks a week in cat food? How much did you just spend on clothes?
6) OK, this could be a potential problem, but nothing that a little effort and planning won't solve.
7) Bugger what the neighbours think.
8) Neither are you when you make that face

OK, admittedly, my argument with regard to #s 7 & 8 wasn't the best thought out line of reasoning, but I'm tired of always having the spectre of disapproving neighbours hauled out as a reason for not doing the things she doesn't want to. And if we 'adopt' it properly, and welcome it into the house as I want, then there would be no reason for other strays to come round...

Anyway, despite the heated and angry objections of mrs bln, the girls and I went out and bought some cat food and I made a little bed out of an old cardboard box and an old sweater of mine. Neko-chan is very happy, has food in its belly and a warmer place to sleep at night but I still feel that we're only half way there. To me a pet isn't something that lives outside because you don't want it in the house; a pet is part of the family. OK, this would probably depend on the type of pet in question but I'm thinking of cats and dogs... Hannah, Maya and I want a pet; we want neko-chan! Phase Two of the operation will probably take a little more time but I'm sure the combined efforts of the kids' pester power and my own strength of purpose will eventually see her installed as a loved (by three of us at least) member of the family...

Compassion, it seems, is either something you have or you don't....




And while we're on the topic of animals, see if you can find the dog in this picture. It may not be immediately apparent, but keep looking!

Certainty that for two days, as December squeezes out its last drops, I will be cleaning the school and then, while the new year insinuates itself upon us, Ill be spending a few days with the in-laws.

Neither of these prospects fills me with an overpowering sense of excitement but both are expected of me, which is just another way of saying tough shit. Theres a common Japanese expression for this, shiyo- ga nai, which literally means theres nothing to be done about it. If for instance youre at a really great party somewhere and youre having a ball and the kids are having a ball and your wife gives you a look that tells you that she thinks its time to go home now, so you give her a look which says that you dont feel quite ready to stop having fun just yet and then she gives you another look which reminds you that its 10 km home and youre drunk and shes got the car keys, thats shiyo- ga nai...

The End of Year Cleaning or o-souji is the Japanese equivalent of spring cleaning and the reason it takes me two days is because Im not what youd even charitably call the most organised person in the world; Im highly attuned to my inner Pooh, me. Over the course of the year I somehow manage to build up a layer of stuff; mostly copies of handouts and other sundry bits of teaching materials, but also a healthy dollop of letters, cards, cds, brochures from language schools, childens toys and disposable chopsticks.

Having assigned a more meaningful residence for 90% of the stuff, I file the rest away correctly and then get to grips with a duster, a vacuum cleaner and an apron. I dont know about you, but for me theres something about putting on an apron that is somehow thrilling. Especially those frilly ones with sleeves. Its not a thrill I overindulge in, mind you...

mrs bln does make what I know is really only a half hearted offer to help, but I always refuse, preferring to do it alone. If she did come, wed almost certainly get it done in a fraction of the time but that fraction would be filled with Where do you want me to put this? or, the even more terrifying to think about, Whats this?, for which most of the time I am sure I would have no satisfactory explanation....

Once everything is put away, dusted, wiped and vacuumed, I put up some new posters in the classrooms and set myself a To Do list for the first day back at work. This year my list is quite simple and reads as follows:

* Laminate new colour flashcards
* Find on internet or make: weather flashcards
* Correct Satoes English diary
* Get 50 new students

Actually that last one is just to make me smile wryly when I look at it next Monday morning but does also serve to remind me that more students = more money = less vociferous mrs bln = more content bln. Its all about having goals in life....

And then its back home to pick up the missus and the little nuts and then....

Now the thing about my in-laws is that while theyre essentially very nice people, their ways are not mine. But doh! I hear you cry, you live in a foreign culture, of course their ways are different! But Im not talking about that. Ive lived in this town in Japan longer than Ive lived anywhere in my life; its not the cultural differences that get me, its the interpersonal ones. I personally find it uncomfortable being amongst constant pernicious criticism and bickering but its normal for them (and of course for mrs bln too...) and so therefore shiyo- ga nai...

All the family come home for New Years so theres o-jiisan, mrs blns grandfather, her parents, the elder of her two younger brothers and his wife and two kids, her youngest brother and the four of us; twelve of us and four generations....

o-jiisans pretty cool. He doesnt say much anyway. Sometimes he gets these coughing fits at mealtimes and starts making awful choking noises and you think hes going to die but everyone else just looks at him in disgust and tell him not to make such horrible noises at the table. Now I dont know about you, but I dont think Id ever talk to the eldest person in my family that way...

And then theres my elder brother in-law. Hes the eldest son and so has to take over the family business one day. Hes hopelessly unsuited to the task and everyone knows it but he has to bear this burden because, yes, its shiyo- ga nai... My father in-law constantly tells him how useless he is, so you can imagine what a well rounded and confident chap he is... I do like him though because despite all that hes usually a pretty cheerful guy and I feel very sorry for the heavy load fate has handed him.

My younger brother in-law is much more suited to the task but because hes not the cho-nan, the elder son, he doesnt get a look in. Except that I think he might; hes done a degree in economics and accounting and is now working for a large company, ostensibly for about five years before coming back to help out with the family business... There are going to be some fun and games in about 15 years when my father in-law retires...

Mealtimes are my least favourite time there. The number one reason for this is that they are one of those families which has the tv on all the time. The first person up in the morning (never me, I assure you...) turns it on and the last person to bed at night (always me) turns it off. Even if nobodys in the kitchen itll be left on... But the thing about the tv at mealtimes is not the fact that its on, its the fact that its right behind what is my chair while were there... And so while I inevitably sit there in silence, they spend their mealtimes complaining about the food (not the cooking, you understand, but the quality of the meat or fish or whatever...), bickering with each other or staring at a point just behind my ear. Soon after we got married and I had begun going there, I suggested one mealtime that it might be fun to turn off the tv and all chat about something, so we tried that and it was embarrassing for everyone concerned so I never made that mistake again.

Another reason that mealtimes are difficult for me is that my in-laws are pretty traditional when it comes to the allocation of housework. The women do everything. Not a man in the place does more than take his bowls over to the sink to be washed up later. By one of the women...

Of course I wasnt brought up in such an environment but have learned, with time, not to rock the boat. My insisting on helping embarrasses my mother in-law and causes confusion, not to mention the fact that it makes the men think Im a wuss and we cant have that. I do draw a line though so when my 23 year old younger brother in-law handed his empty rice bowl to his 35 year old sister (mrs bln to you) and with the single word rice told her to go and get him some more, I gave him my best you might want to rethink that decision look and he wisely got off his arse and filled it himself. Just doing my small bit for International Relations....

And now were all back at home and here we are with a new year stretching out ahead of us and like so many of you it seems, from what Ive been reading, Im hoping that this year is going to prove to be an improvement on last year...

One Good Thing about 02, was finding you lot and I cherish the xanga vibe. This is a great community with some outstanding people and backboned by some truly committed folk. I appreciate and thank all of you for all the fun, ideas, pauses for thought and general all round good times youve given me and I look forward to sharing lots more with you this year...

There are two main reasons why I could never be a doctor.

First of all I’m not very bright and my science scores particularly were unlikely to ever convince a medical school to grant me entrance.

But equally important to me is the fact that I wouldn’t want to have to do stuff on animals for research.

As much as I abhor it emotionally, pragmatically I have to accept the use of animals in necessary medical research until we’re able to come up with a better alternative. However personally, I just couldn’t do it. And I’ve often wondered how others can, so last week I asked a class of surgeons that I teach what their thoughts on the matter were. Their answer surprised me...

Actually, before I go into that, you ought to know a little about the Japanese approach to religion. In Japan there are two main forms of religion, Buddhism and Shinto. You all probably know a bit about Buddhism but possibly not about Shinto. As far as my knowledge extends on the subject, Shinto is an animist religion in the sense that it doesn’t have a particular god but recognises the presence of a divine force in all living things. Something like that but to be honest, if you ask most Japanese people to explain the
difference between the two they’ll hum and haw and tell you that Buddhism is used for funerals and memorial ceremonies and the like and Shinto is used for weddings and o-miyamairi, the Japanese equivalent of a christening.

As a rule of thumb, in Japan temples are Buddhist and shrines are Shinto. But apart from visiting them for their aesthetic values, few people here go to temples or shrines with a religious purpose, in the way that believers in other religions might celebrate their faith elsewhere. The thing is, to most Japanese people, religion isn’t a part of everyday life and this group of surgeons aren’t devout Buddhists or anything; I just wanted to clear that up first.

Well, when I asked them about it, they told me that as doctors they have to use animals, particularly rats and mice, for research from time to time. They don’t like having to do it but it’s a necessary part of their work. However, while not particularly religious, they do feel a sense of spiritual guilt and to atone for this, twice a year they go to a special animal shrine and pray for the souls of the animals who have died during the course of their research...

Now I don’t know about you, but knowing that they do that makes me feel a bit better about the whole thing....


..and here's something else to consider...